Month: August 2019

I promised myself I would fall back in love with reading by finishing ten books in 2019. It seemed like a farfetched goal since last year I only started and finished probably four. And that was because I was in a bookclub which meant wine and accountability. But I do love to read and I hate the excuse of being “too busy”. I wanted to really slow down this year and invest in myself, my hobbies, my likes. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that this summer is already coming to a close but I’m hoping the next few months provide more down time to finish off this list and maybe even add a few more. The easiest promises I break are the ones with myself so, to hold myself accountable, I figured I would give a quick little review of the books I’ve completed since I’m now halfway to my goal.

Without further ado – the first half of my book reviews from the first half of 2019:

1. Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis. I started and finished this book on the two planes to/from Oregon. It was a quick, easy read but kept me hooked and wanting to read more. It was super light and fun and made me want to make a list of 7,000 goals and complete them all. Reading this book truly gave me confidence and made me feel like I could do anything I set my mind to. I appreciate her positive attitude, but I did feel like there may have been just something missing? Like there has to be more than just visualizing your dreams in order to make them a reality, right? Maybe I’m a pessimist. Either way, I would still recommend the book for it’s positivity and encouragement to set and work hard for your goals.
2. Jesus Is by Judah Smith. One of the main themes throughout the book was the topic of grace. How Jesus died for our sins and extends grace to us so freely, not as something we need to earn or even can earn. It was refreshing to read this book and be reminded of how deeply Jesus cares for each and every one of us – that He isn’t just sitting on his throne judging and being disappointed in us. He genuinely looks down in love and admiration. While our sin still saddens Him, it’s the last thing on his mind. The first is his unbelievable amount of love for us… and that’s all He wants in return. One of my favorite lines was on page 73. “This book is a manifesto of sorts. It is a simple call to return to a simple faith in a simple person. Jesus is the sum and substance of the gospel. He is the core of Christianity. His grace is available to anyone who wants it. No restrictions. No limits. No conditions.”
3. For The Love by Jen Hatmaker. A book-club book. I actually read through this book pretty fast. Jen’s writing style is so hilarious and real. I like how she writes each chapter is essay form, each telling a different story. You feel like her friend by the end of it, like you sat at her table. Speaking of table, it made me want to start a Supper Club real bad. Read the book, you’ll get it.
4. What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding by Kristin Newman. This book was a fun vacation read for our trip to FL but probably not one I would have chosen for a lazy afternoon read at home. Her traveling made me extremely jealous but her lax, sleep-around-style made this book low on my recommendations list. Sorry, mom.
5. Hormonal by Martie Haselton. Wow. The female body is IN-SANE. In an I’m-so-proud-to-be-a-woman kind of way. Not that I didn’t realize this already (I mean, come on, we’re able to grow humans) but Haselton’s studies and the science she discusses. Truly incredible. I would recommend this book to every female. And probably most males, too. Give them a little peak into the real ins and outs of our menstrual cycle.

I am once again sitting on our living room floor, purification + grapefruit diffusing. I woke up feeling under the weather so Daniel went to epikos without me this morning. I watched a Francis Chan sermon on YouTube (how cool that we’re able to do that?) and took a page full of notes. I just finished a pretty slow tempo run to try and sweat out toxins so we’ll see if given a little more time, I start to feel better.

I don’t know what it is but lately I’ve had a pretty sour attitude. I know I should be filled with gratitude but instead, I focus on the opposite. I am bored of my closet, some clothes I’ve had since high school. Our home is a constant list of to-do’s, which I love doing but the list keeps growing faster than we can keep up with. Then there’s the ever nagging kid-talk playing on loop in my mind. We know we want to be parents but figuring out the “right” time to do that is daunting. (Disclaimer: Please refrain from the eye rolls. I know there is no “right” time. But for a planner and control fanatic, there needs to be some sort of right.)

I have noticed that during and after my runs, the endorphins are high and I am able to look at my life as it actually is. And I love it. I love our little house, our little cat (even though she isn’t always a fan of me). I love that we are so blessed to be able to afford a mortgage and two cars and food. We are so fortunate. Shifting my mindset from a M O R E mindset to a C O N T E N T mindset. And so, I have made running a daily addition.

One of my favorite things to do when I’m sick is organize. It’s one thing I can do to feel productive while my body wants nothing more than to lay on the couch. Going through what we own, organizing closets, rearranging, etc. also brings into perspective for me all that we do have and all that we can afford to get rid of. Stuff that is just that – STUFF taking up space. I read The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up when we lived in our apartment and I need to get better at remembering that it isn’t about how much we have but the quality of what we have. And I think the quality of the life Daniel and I have is pretty great. Clinging to this always. Especially when I’m feeling sorry for myself for being sick. I’m trying to focus on self care August and here I am, wrapped in a blanket, diffusing clean, sick oils (hello, purification). Choosing not to beat myself up over this and instead, take the much needed break from the hustle and bustle. After I hit Publish, I’m going to run a hot shower and soak in epsom salt. Maybe get a little crazy and use a facemask. Who knows.

I’m sitting here writing on the floor of our living room. It’s on and off storming outside; a sudden downpour then clear skies. Thunder and then another downpour. Andrew Belle’s Dive Deep spins on the record player. White Magnolia is burning again. Today feels like a day where I am fully me.

I always thought that taking care of other people and putting others before myself was a strength I had. And while I do consider hospitality and empathy to be two of my greatest spiritual gifts…traits?, they have also been two of my greatest struggles. I feel like I’m in a job interview right now, playing up my strengths as make-shift weaknesses to promote myself. But that’s not what this is – it’s a genuine struggle.

Reading more about the Enneagram has been so helpful in realizing this in myself and (trying) to set healthy boundaries. I understand the Enneagram isn’t the Bible. I get that. But it has been such an amazing tool in helping me realize why I respond to certain situations the way I do – it also helped me realize that when I help others and think I’m doing it out of love, it’s actually a selfish and manipulative ploy to get love back. Below is from The Enneagram Institute:

Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

Key Motivations: Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves.

Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved.

All that to say…

I love my people and I love to help my people. I pride myself on being someone people can go to during difficult seasons, knowing I will listen to them and meet them where they’re at. However, I have a hard time finding balance in caring for others and caring for myself doing anything for myself. More often than not, I put myself on the back burner, feeling selfish or guilty for thinking about my own needs. And then I wonder why I am so worn out, why no one cares about me the way I care about others (I know, I know, here comes the selfish, need to be needed mentality. Don’t knock me for being vulnerable.)

August I am deeming as SELF CARE month. Unapologetically carving out ME time so I can be the best version of myself. Striving to fill my tank so I can fill the tanks of others without feeling deflated, used or unwanted (three things I struggle with feeling when I have been focusing on helping, fixing and doing all the things).

So today, I did just that. And I feel the most me that I have in a long while. I have been doing things for me, things to fill my own tank, without apologizing and without guilt. Today I:

More of these days, please. ♡