An August of Self Care

I’m sitting here writing on the floor of our living room. It’s on and off storming outside; a sudden downpour then clear skies. Thunder and then another downpour. Andrew Belle’s Dive Deep spins on the record player. White Magnolia is burning again. Today feels like a day where I am fully me.

I always thought that taking care of other people and putting others before myself was a strength I had. And while I do consider hospitality and empathy to be two of my greatest spiritual gifts…traits?, they have also been two of my greatest struggles. I feel like I’m in a job interview right now, playing up my strengths as make-shift weaknesses to promote myself. But that’s not what this is – it’s a genuine struggle.

Reading more about the Enneagram has been so helpful in realizing this in myself and (trying) to set healthy boundaries. I understand the Enneagram isn’t the Bible. I get that. But it has been such an amazing tool in helping me realize why I respond to certain situations the way I do – it also helped me realize that when I help others and think I’m doing it out of love, it’s actually a selfish and manipulative ploy to get love back. Below is from The Enneagram Institute:

Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

Key Motivations: Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves.

Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved.

All that to say…

I love my people and I love to help my people. I pride myself on being someone people can go to during difficult seasons, knowing I will listen to them and meet them where they’re at. However, I have a hard time finding balance in caring for others and caring for myself doing anything for myself. More often than not, I put myself on the back burner, feeling selfish or guilty for thinking about my own needs. And then I wonder why I am so worn out, why no one cares about me the way I care about others (I know, I know, here comes the selfish, need to be needed mentality. Don’t knock me for being vulnerable.)

August I am deeming as SELF CARE month. Unapologetically carving out ME time so I can be the best version of myself. Striving to fill my tank so I can fill the tanks of others without feeling deflated, used or unwanted (three things I struggle with feeling when I have been focusing on helping, fixing and doing all the things).

So today, I did just that. And I feel the most me that I have in a long while. I have been doing things for me, things to fill my own tank, without apologizing and without guilt. Today I:

More of these days, please. ♡