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I have officially dubbed our cozy little house a Winter House. (I don’t think that’s an official thing, but it should be.) With this last week’s snow, our house seems that much cozier. The snow outside somehow makes every room seem brighter, more open. I have been diffusing a blend of Thieves, Wintergreen and Lemon and Daniel even turned on Christmas music last night. Safe to say, we are ready. We’ve also had a battle with our heat this week; getting home from work, we love it to be warm and inviting but in the mornings, we both wake up tossing covers off, overheated. Whether it’s morning or evening, our home just seems much more cozy, welcoming and safe in these colder months. I can’t wait to hibernate within the brick walls for the next five months of the upcoming Wisconsin winter.

This week at work was more than taxing, I said to Daniel last night, I really think it’s starting to wear on my mental health. I am not good at the constant rush, push, stress. On a lighter note, last Sunday, we purchased a used dining room table and chair set from one of our friends and it fits the house perfectly. Additionally, one of our groomsmen, EV, moved to Milwaukee last weekend. He’s been talking about it ever since I met him a few years back and finally took a job and moved to the north. He’ll be living with us for an undetermined amount of time and it’s been a much easier transition than I expected. Truthfully, I wasn’t sure how this was going to work out; I have had three different sets of roommates since moving out of my parents’ in 2014 but Daniel reassured me that living with men is much easier than women and this last week has proven that statement correct.

Today, I was wide awake at 6:30a today, so I made a hot pot of coffee which I enjoyed all to myself, then got ready and took Oak on a walk. It’s a brisk 33° but he loved every minute of it. Being the first week in November, I think Wisconsinites are still a little confused seeing the snow covered ground with the still-falling leaves covering the top. Oak didn’t seem to mind, running through the crunchy snow and chasing after the orange, rust and yellow leaves. He would wag his tail, grab a leaf in his mouth and prance ahead a few steps, proud of his latest catch. In a few minutes, I’ll be bundling myself up again and making my way over to the Tosa village for a 45-minute yoga class. To say this is much needed would be an understatement. Until then, I’ll cuddle with Oak on the couch in our bright home and make plans for when I return, to cozy up in this exact spot with a fire burning and the bright sun shining through the open curtains, filling the home with warm, cozy cheer.

Saturday.

48° and overcast.

A morning with endless pots of coffee.

At-home quinoa and veggie bowls with an over-easy egg.

Daniel covering Who Says We’re Through by The Band CAMINO.

Couch cuddles with Oakley.

Hiking familiar trails with friends.

Dropping by Daniel’s crossfit gym for a Halloween party.

Mackenzie and Jerod (f i n a l l y !!) getting engaged.

Happy heart.

Our love is O N E !

It’s a normal day, like so many, but holds more significance than most. 365. When will this stop catching me by surprise, that I’m married? (Shouldn’t this make me feel more adult?) Today we celebrate three-hundred-and-sixty-five days of marriage. I can’t believe it’s here — it seems like both yesterday and so long ago that we said our I do’s. This has been a year of growth for both of us and I couldn’t be more thankful we aren’t the same people we were a year ago. Marriage has taught me how to really put someone before myself but also showed me my selfishness. I’ll take the good with the bad.

We drove up north Thursday night and spent the long weekend relaxing, reading, enjoying the brisk fall weather and enjoying each other. I drank endless pumpkin spice k-cups and we indulged in all the comfort food. I made what seems to be my seventeenth pot of chili and we sipped Pinot Grigio and tased about the future. It rained on Saturday which proved to be the perfect napping/book reading weather. We bought Sequence to keep at the camper as well so we played a few rounds before getting bored and wanting to do more of nothing. This weekend was nice. No timeframes, no to do’s. Just us. We shared pieces of pumpkin cheesecake last night as a pre-anniversary celebration and Daniel commented that he didn’t even realize we had it at our wedding. As in, the cake we cut into and fed each other. During all the indulging, Daniel said he’s starting Whole30 once we get home. I agreed.

The sun was shining as we made the trek home this morning, the 60° temps made for a cozy drive home with the obligatory hot Starbies in hand. Now, as I type, we’re cuddled up in the living room with open windows, cuddled under blankets, watching Packers vs Cowboys. It’s the beginning of the fourth and we’re up by 21. Once we win, I’ll go whip up a yummy pan of homemade Indian Butter Chicken, extra curry to celebrate. Our anniversary and the game.

This past weekend, we trekked up to the great north woods with our Starbucks and six of our friends. It was a great time with little sleep and lots of laughs. The clouds were threatening to downpour all Saturday but we still sat out under the trees during the mist and burned multiple logs in the process. I am exhausted and will probably be catching up on sleep the whole week.

Two things I want to remember —

• Daniel telling me not to hate him cause he’s beautiful, “Okay? Cause my hips don’t lie.”
• Trying to figure out what song he had heard and really liked that he didn’t remember any of the words or tune to, except that it was “probably Rihanna”. I must have played seven songs before he finally remembered two bars and we figured out it was FourFiveSeconds.

On the three hour drive back, we listened to the Packer game and cheered on a third consecutive win for our team. #GreenAndGold!

As much as I love being in the kitchen, I’ve had a hard time coming up with dinner ideas as of late. Daniel and I have been utilizing the WalMart grocery pick-up and it has been a game. changer. We love it. We tend to stick to a few staples, barely swaying from the same old list. To save my-future-self time, I figured I’d write down my meal plan for this week so I have something to look back on if I have a particularly busy day.

First thing in the morning will be my warm lemon water followed by black coffee or detox tea. I bought two flavors of Lara Bars to curb the mid-day cravings and my drink-one-gallon-of-water-challenge is back on. Starting now.

Creamy Balsamic Chicken + Brussel Sprouts – I found this recipe during my second round of Whole 30. My first round had been boring and bland – I didn’t do much research to see what I could/couldn’t eat. Then a lightbulb went off, I checked Pinterest and voilà.

Burgers + sweet potato fries. We’ll probably dress up the burgers with some guacamole (avocado, red onion, garlic powder, lime juice + cilantro). Daniel will add cheese to his.

Ranch Chicken Thighs + Veggies. I like to utilize the crockpot, especially if I have a long run after work. I’ll pre-cut carrots and potatoes and let the chicken thighs thaw overnight, then throw it all together the next morning and turn it on low while I’m at work. (This week, the 6-hour cook time works perfectly since I’ve been letting Oakley out in the afternoon anyway.)

Buffalo Chicken + Sweet Potatoes. Enough said.

Lastly, I’ll probably just whip together a large salad. Hard boiled eggs, beets and all. I have a few Primal Kitchen salad dressings to choose from. I may even steam a few carrots if I’m feeling crazy.

Today was a day like any other day. Nothing special, nothing crazy (aside from Oakley’s house-training slips but we won’t mention those). It’s mid September which means despite today’s 80° weather, fall is coming. White chicken chili is on the stove and the yummy smell mixed with our fall candle provide all the cozy, comforting feelings.

This weekend, we’re leaving all of our responsibilities behind and trekking up to our friends’ lake house for some much needed rest and relaxation. And outdoorsy-campy-goodness. I haven’t felt like the best version of myself lately, I’ve become pretty good at nagging and I’m quick to snap, so I’m hoping this weekend provides a nice reset for me. With everything that has been going on, one verse that has been stuck with me since Daniel read it on Monday is:

As our first year of marriage goes on, I am noticing more and more how self-pleasing I am. I tell myself I am putting my husband’s needs before my own (pure) but more often than not, I find myself wanting expecting something in return for doing so (check my motives). This cycle has prompted me to reflect on my why. It’s mostly internally that I struggle with this – on the outside, I am helpful and kind and a loving Mrs. But I know my heart, God knows my heart, and more often than not, my motives fall short. Christ’s crucifixion didn’t teach us an “if-then” version of love. He taught us selfless love, compassionate, true love. A no-strings-attached kind of love. More of that kind of love.

This weekend held another monumental change to our little family.

The Kerlin men participate in an annual Duck Flurry at a gun club in WI and this year, Daniel asked me to go with. I agreed since Starbucks was promised for the early morning drive. The Duck Flurry consisted of five different stations, five shooting rounds at each.

After the second time through all five stations, we sat down for lunch and were quickly interrupted by a text from Daniel’s dad. There was a litter of 7 week old puppies around the corner for sale. $700 for the males, $800 for females. If anyone knows Daniel, this man can eat. I mean two plates full of food and will still go back for more 20 minutes later. But I don’t think I have ever seen anyone scarf down a brat faster in my life. He got up from the table, spilling ketchup and onions on the chair as he did so. Chaos.

We found the litter and for Daniel, it was love at first sight. Without hesitation, he was drawn to a specific pup. He picked him up and couldn’t put him down. I, on the other hand, took a little more convincing. My family had dogs until I was in fifth grade and long story short, we had a horribly sad experience and haven’t had dogs since.

After a few more stations, three to be exact, I asked Daniel if he wanted a dog for his birthday. His face lit up, he nodded his head, and I handed him a check. We went back and he picked up the same pup from the litter.

And so world, meet Oakley, born July 19, 2019.

I promised myself I would fall back in love with reading by finishing ten books in 2019. It seemed like a farfetched goal since last year I only started and finished probably four. And that was because I was in a bookclub which meant wine and accountability. But I do love to read and I hate the excuse of being “too busy”. I wanted to really slow down this year and invest in myself, my hobbies, my likes. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that this summer is already coming to a close but I’m hoping the next few months provide more down time to finish off this list and maybe even add a few more. The easiest promises I break are the ones with myself so, to hold myself accountable, I figured I would give a quick little review of the books I’ve completed since I’m now halfway to my goal.

Without further ado – the first half of my book reviews from the first half of 2019:

1. Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis. I started and finished this book on the two planes to/from Oregon. It was a quick, easy read but kept me hooked and wanting to read more. It was super light and fun and made me want to make a list of 7,000 goals and complete them all. Reading this book truly gave me confidence and made me feel like I could do anything I set my mind to. I appreciate her positive attitude, but I did feel like there may have been just something missing? Like there has to be more than just visualizing your dreams in order to make them a reality, right? Maybe I’m a pessimist. Either way, I would still recommend the book for it’s positivity and encouragement to set and work hard for your goals.
2. Jesus Is by Judah Smith. One of the main themes throughout the book was the topic of grace. How Jesus died for our sins and extends grace to us so freely, not as something we need to earn or even can earn. It was refreshing to read this book and be reminded of how deeply Jesus cares for each and every one of us – that He isn’t just sitting on his throne judging and being disappointed in us. He genuinely looks down in love and admiration. While our sin still saddens Him, it’s the last thing on his mind. The first is his unbelievable amount of love for us… and that’s all He wants in return. One of my favorite lines was on page 73. “This book is a manifesto of sorts. It is a simple call to return to a simple faith in a simple person. Jesus is the sum and substance of the gospel. He is the core of Christianity. His grace is available to anyone who wants it. No restrictions. No limits. No conditions.”
3. For The Love by Jen Hatmaker. A book-club book. I actually read through this book pretty fast. Jen’s writing style is so hilarious and real. I like how she writes each chapter is essay form, each telling a different story. You feel like her friend by the end of it, like you sat at her table. Speaking of table, it made me want to start a Supper Club real bad. Read the book, you’ll get it.
4. What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding by Kristin Newman. This book was a fun vacation read for our trip to FL but probably not one I would have chosen for a lazy afternoon read at home. Her traveling made me extremely jealous but her lax, sleep-around-style made this book low on my recommendations list. Sorry, mom.
5. Hormonal by Martie Haselton. Wow. The female body is IN-SANE. In an I’m-so-proud-to-be-a-woman kind of way. Not that I didn’t realize this already (I mean, come on, we’re able to grow humans) but Haselton’s studies and the science she discusses. Truly incredible. I would recommend this book to every female. And probably most males, too. Give them a little peak into the real ins and outs of our menstrual cycle.

I am once again sitting on our living room floor, purification + grapefruit diffusing. I woke up feeling under the weather so Daniel went to epikos without me this morning. I watched a Francis Chan sermon on YouTube (how cool that we’re able to do that?) and took a page full of notes. I just finished a pretty slow tempo run to try and sweat out toxins so we’ll see if given a little more time, I start to feel better.

I don’t know what it is but lately I’ve had a pretty sour attitude. I know I should be filled with gratitude but instead, I focus on the opposite. I am bored of my closet, some clothes I’ve had since high school. Our home is a constant list of to-do’s, which I love doing but the list keeps growing faster than we can keep up with. Then there’s the ever nagging kid-talk playing on loop in my mind. We know we want to be parents but figuring out the “right” time to do that is daunting. (Disclaimer: Please refrain from the eye rolls. I know there is no “right” time. But for a planner and control fanatic, there needs to be some sort of right.)

I have noticed that during and after my runs, the endorphins are high and I am able to look at my life as it actually is. And I love it. I love our little house, our little cat (even though she isn’t always a fan of me). I love that we are so blessed to be able to afford a mortgage and two cars and food. We are so fortunate. Shifting my mindset from a M O R E mindset to a C O N T E N T mindset. And so, I have made running a daily addition.

One of my favorite things to do when I’m sick is organize. It’s one thing I can do to feel productive while my body wants nothing more than to lay on the couch. Going through what we own, organizing closets, rearranging, etc. also brings into perspective for me all that we do have and all that we can afford to get rid of. Stuff that is just that – STUFF taking up space. I read The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up when we lived in our apartment and I need to get better at remembering that it isn’t about how much we have but the quality of what we have. And I think the quality of the life Daniel and I have is pretty great. Clinging to this always. Especially when I’m feeling sorry for myself for being sick. I’m trying to focus on self care August and here I am, wrapped in a blanket, diffusing clean, sick oils (hello, purification). Choosing not to beat myself up over this and instead, take the much needed break from the hustle and bustle. After I hit Publish, I’m going to run a hot shower and soak in epsom salt. Maybe get a little crazy and use a facemask. Who knows.

I’m sitting here writing on the floor of our living room. It’s on and off storming outside; a sudden downpour then clear skies. Thunder and then another downpour. Andrew Belle’s Dive Deep spins on the record player. White Magnolia is burning again. Today feels like a day where I am fully me.

I always thought that taking care of other people and putting others before myself was a strength I had. And while I do consider hospitality and empathy to be two of my greatest spiritual gifts…traits?, they have also been two of my greatest struggles. I feel like I’m in a job interview right now, playing up my strengths as make-shift weaknesses to promote myself. But that’s not what this is – it’s a genuine struggle.

Reading more about the Enneagram has been so helpful in realizing this in myself and (trying) to set healthy boundaries. I understand the Enneagram isn’t the Bible. I get that. But it has been such an amazing tool in helping me realize why I respond to certain situations the way I do – it also helped me realize that when I help others and think I’m doing it out of love, it’s actually a selfish and manipulative ploy to get love back. Below is from The Enneagram Institute:

Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

Key Motivations: Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves.

Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved.

All that to say…

I love my people and I love to help my people. I pride myself on being someone people can go to during difficult seasons, knowing I will listen to them and meet them where they’re at. However, I have a hard time finding balance in caring for others and caring for myself doing anything for myself. More often than not, I put myself on the back burner, feeling selfish or guilty for thinking about my own needs. And then I wonder why I am so worn out, why no one cares about me the way I care about others (I know, I know, here comes the selfish, need to be needed mentality. Don’t knock me for being vulnerable.)

August I am deeming as SELF CARE month. Unapologetically carving out ME time so I can be the best version of myself. Striving to fill my tank so I can fill the tanks of others without feeling deflated, used or unwanted (three things I struggle with feeling when I have been focusing on helping, fixing and doing all the things).

So today, I did just that. And I feel the most me that I have in a long while. I have been doing things for me, things to fill my own tank, without apologizing and without guilt. Today I:

More of these days, please. ♡